Wanna see the only reason I was ever suspended?

It started with an opening statement!

And within three seconds of that opening statement, the teachers, students, and judges have decided whether or not the forthcoming speech is even worth listening to. If you're comfortable with dead stares and drooling from your peers, go ahead and do that speech about your pet cat Mittens. But if you want to wow 'em, and I mean really get them on the edge of their seat, I've got your solution. Honourable judges, teachers, and my fellow students, today I am going to tell you how to deliver a speech so convincing, even those whiteout-sniffing ne'er-do-wells at the back of the gym will be on your side.

We start with topic choice. This is the most critical, because about seventy-five percent of your grade comes from content. Trust me. Even if you deliver a speech as charismatically as Trudeau himself, you will ultimately be penalized if your teacher is not hip with your subject of choice. Key topics to avoid are the values of Conservativism, various laws your school has broken in the past five years, and the positive impacts of video games on society.

You have two potential routes for success. You could go the personal route. Talk about your mother and why she's great. Or about your family's geneology. But beware, just because you barely have to research it doesn't mean you don't have to work hard. Teachers see about fifteen wishy-washy subjects like this per class each year. So you have to be memorable. You have to be extra-schmoltzy. If you don't really know what you're talking about, act like you know!

You can also go the faux-political route. Pick a current and mildly interesting topic, and simply regergitate what newspapers have been saying. Key topics would include exactly what happened on the morning of September 11th, why drinking and driving ruins lives, why drugs are bad, and why Hitler was mean. These topics make you look intelligent and political, but you're not really rocking anyone's boat.

So that brings me to my second tip for success. Opinions. You know how we're all entitled to an opinion? Yeah, not at public speaking time. Expressing a radical and controversial opinion may have merit in theory, but trust me. Your seventh-grade teacher doesn't want to hear it. Now I know what you're thinking. "But Breanna, they tell us a speech is to express an opinion!" Ahh, that's where the trick comes in. The key is to passively express some semblance of an opinion that doesn't contradict your teacher's personal politics. So like I said, stay away from the positive points of Conservativism if you know what's good for you.

Lastly is preparation the day of the speech. Practice your projection. The key is to be boisterous and unnaturaly loud, on the borderline of being obnoxious. As for body language, remember: posture, posture, posture! Shoulders back, chin up, eyes forward, hips straight. Don't sit into one leg. Don't put all your weight on your heels. Remember, today, you are not a seventh-grader. You are a machine.

Well, I hope I've helped you out - not just with the public speaking, but with the rest of your public school career! Sacrificing your voice and values in order to please the masses holds plenty of merit in the public school system. Teachers, students, take note. Someone's finally figured it all out.